Ministry and stuff

I am about to give up every hope and dream I have ever had regarding music. I just don't think it's the path I'm supposed to take. I have never desired to be a huge recording artist - or be famous or anything of that nature, but I feel like doors have been slammed in my face for about 9 years now - and I honestly can't take it any longer.

Of course college was great. My entire 2nd year was spent touring the country and Kenya singing and working with teens. It was AMAZING and so much fun!!!

I went through a very unique situation in DC. One where EVERYTHING was starting to happen for me. I was working on 7-8 CD projects - leading worship - and doing background vocals for a really neat guy in the area. It was an amazing time. I was able to open for Mark Shultz and Shane and Shane. I've sang with many "greats" like Marty McCall, Alicia Williamson Garcia, and Larnell Harris. I've been on stage with people like Kay Arthur, and James Dobson. It was an amazing sweet time in my life. Being a part of ministries like those was a once in a lifetime chance for me. Unfortunately I witnessed pride getting in the way of people's hearts. I started to see how many musicians in general lost sight of who they were singing too and what they were "performing" for...and that is to give God glory and to lead OTHERS to Christ! It started becoming who they knew in town and what they could accomplish. Unfortunately, it is a sick industry. Right then and there - I vowed never to let my pride get ahold of me. I would rather be singing in a church choir with a "right" heart and attitude, then to be big and famous and have a heart full of selfish ambition. I prayed this to God every day. Every time I got on stage - I would beg God to prepare my heart in this way...I still do.

Well - next comes West Virginia...no secret to all...this was a dark time in my life. First of all, I was put into a church whose worship leader publically humiliated me by asking me to "prove" that I was really a Christian. UM...what do you say to that? It was the worst worship attempt I have ever been a part of. We soon left that church and found another one. It was a LOT better! It was a neat time where I started learning to play and experiment with keys. However, week after week I left disappointed and empty. I had gone from being SUPER involved - to being allowed to do nothing. My entire spiritual growth was stunted for 3 years and constantly felt ashamed that I was a woman and therefore unable to do anything but sing back up. I prayed and prayed that my heart would stop longing for more and that I could be satisfied in what I thought God had obviously called me to do...stand to the side and make whoever was leading look good and sound good!!! I learned to be OK with that! That's what it seems my role in being a woman is all about! RIGHT? WRONG! I have scars that run very deep from that State...I could write a book - and maybe someday I will. Jon and I have never experienced treatment like we did there....and I hope we never have to again. Good news is that it made us stronger.

We have come here and felt love like NO other. Even though we are "churched" individals, we were in desperate need of love and attention. Jon and I were on the verge of calling it quits with any kind of ministry b/c we felt like we had nothing left to give. We were only in survival mode. When you are completly empty how can you turn around and serve? Within the first few months, the amazing people at Crosspoint have loved on us and accepted us. We have found out that we aren't weird (ha - it's all relative) and that serving others and loving on others is the way to be filled!! Jon and I have had more opportunity here in 6 months to talk to others about our faith and why we live the way we do - then in the rest of our lives combined. We prayed that God would give us a big house that we could use for reaching others and ministering to others. Many people did not understand why we "needed" such a big house. We have heard so many backhanded slams on why we would be "frivolous" in spendng...even though no one knows our situation and how we got this house! It wasn't a need - but a desire to be used. We had a great example of this in our friends Chad and Sarah in WV. We wanted that! God gave it to us - and now our house is always full of people! Tonight we have 15 adults and 9 kids coming over for small group! This BLESSES my heart! I also have 5 friends total coming in and out of here today...that is more than I could ask for!!
I have recently started on staff as the Children's Ministry Director. I didn't have a love and passion for this when I first sought it out. But - I knew my personality - and I KNEW I could develop it FAST! It has been 5 weeks - and I'm wondering how I ever lived without this before?! I absolutely love it. I ALREADY love those kids - and desire not only to minister to them, but to their parents and families. It has made me a better mom and wife. You can agree to disagree - but I am made and created like this...and when I am using the gifts and abilities God has given me - why wouldn't I flourish in that?
All this to say - that I don't think I am wired to be a musician. It hurts my heart too much. I constantly feel inadequate and unusable. I forever feel that I'm not good enough - no matter how prepared my heart and voice are. Perhaps these other things have come into my life so that I will close that door behind me - and move on through another walk-way!? I asked God to keep me humble and to keep me as a "choir" singer if that's what it took to keep my heart in check...and He has granted me that and given me a ton in return!! How can I not be thankful?